Jews Don't Camp

I know this assertion will create backlash and anarchy from all those Jews who love to camp, but until someone invents a portable Tempur-pedic mattress, or finds me a place like the above "guest teepee" on Ralph Lauren's ranch, this Jew isn't going camping. Spare me the "OMG, you would LOVE it," or "Just try it once," or "There's nothing better than sleeping under the stars," because I will ignore you. Yes, I went to sleepaway "camp" for 15 summers of my life, but the closest I ever came to camping there was sunbathing on a towel on the softball field.

I have also asserted that "Jews Don't Golf, " "Jews Don't Hike," "Jews Don't Fish," mostly to get me out of things I don't want to do (The golf thing has been ruined for me after watching Larry David and his Jewish posse golf on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and I actually DID fish once off the Santa Monica Pier.)

Until I had my daughter I would have said that "Jews Don't Sled." Growing up on Long Island I don't think I ever saw ANYONE sled, period. Noone came knocking on my door and said, "Hey, wanna go sledding?" My brother who lives in Vermont, got my daughter to try it at a fairly young age (he is the only one who gets her to try new things) and I tried it too, screaming and laughing the whole way down the little hill on the grounds of a church. Since then, I have tried tubing and loved it (I refer you to an earlier post, "Don't Forget to Drag Your Feet") and have recently discovered the joy of being pulled on my husband's speedboat on a tube, bouncing on waves with water pelting my face.

I tried to rollerblade once because it looks so graceful and easy and, after putting them on, my friend left me standing in the middle of an empty parking lot off-season in Provincetown, and walked away as I stood there, immobilized by fear and unable to move. I begged and pleaded for him to come get me, and after catching his breath from laughing so hard, he took pity on me and pulled me to the car.

Those are things that have looked fun and I've tried them. Here are things that don't look fun at all:

Jumping out of a plane

Bungee jumping

Standing up on a rollercoaster

Walking on stilts

Splits

Fixing a flat tire

Walking in stillettos

Sumo wrestling

Fire eating

Hot dog eating contests

Beer bongs

I think that having kids is a great barometer to get us to try new things, and maybe when my daughter starts to get over her own fears, of which there are many, I'll get right up there with her and carve a pumpkin or something. Yes, in case you didn't know, Jews Don't Carve Pumpkins.